Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Worst.Date.Ever. (Recycled)

 Last night my good friend *Gustabo asked me if I had any "bad dates" stories? Me? Muahahahaha! How much time you got? I asked him.  So in keeping with the "Bad Dates" theme and because I'm too tired to think of anything even remotely interesting to write, I'm going "recycle" a post I wrote back in October of 2010.  For those that have read it already, please indulge me again, and for those that have not read it yet, I hope you enjoy it! Or laugh at it.

Earlier this evening I met up with a few friends for happy hour. Over wine and pizza (we improvised ok? nothing but the best for us!) the discussion of choice was "Worst/Best____ Ever!" So the group consisted of four women and six men. Clearly the ladies were outnumbered!  One of the guys started the convo off by telling us how he had just been on the BEST date of his life and how he thinks she may be "the one" blah,blah,blah! So we all start trading our BEST date stories and then tried to one up each other. Well, they thinking they knew ALL of my secrets wouldn't let me get a word in edge wise! So I had to think fast and blurted out, "I was called a "cock block bitch" once!" Silence. Even our waitress stopped pouring the beer and just stared at  us me.  "Well I was!" They were all staring at me in disbelief! "Ok fun-size, spill it!" First, let me share with you, one of my many, many, MANY nicknames is Fun-size. Stop laughing!  I'm only 4'11 and ever since I can remember, I have been given various nicknames because of this! Whatever. So I proceed to tell them about my worst date ever. It happened years ago mind you. During my Myspace phase. Lame. I know but it was all the rage back then!!! And nothing has topped it -yet. Not even the "Bad Kisser" story! Don't believe me? Read for yourself...

We met by way of Separated by miles but bound by the internet. The emails began, the camaraderie, the bantering... All seemed well. All seemed okay. The "suitor" and I had a lot in common. We even grew up in the same neighborhood etc. He was a public school kid, I was a private school kid. Ironically, (or not) our paths never crossed while growing up. So the seeds of our "friendship" were planted and my insides became giddy at the possibility of something "new" transpiring. After countless emails and numerous, lengthy, phone calls, the "suitor" asked me out. We went out on a Friday. Now, I we debated going out at all that weekend.  It happend to be Good Friday and while I'm not a hard-core, rosary carrying Catholic, I still feel odd going out and partying on Good Friday.  Now Holy Saturday, well that's a whole different story!  It's ON then!   Ok where was I?  Yeah so we decided to go ahead and keep it "calm" and just meet for dinner and drinks.  And if things were going well, we'd go all out and take in a movie.  I know, I know, I know how to party!  When we finally met that Good Friday night, it was very nice. The entire evening was great! He winded and dined me.  Literally.  Heh.  After dinner we decided to go listen to a jazz guitarist friend of mine.  He was playing at a local establishment that we both frequented.  Now at this point, I'm thinking, "ok, he hasn't even tried to hold my hand."  Hmmm, he's going with the "gentleman" approach.  Nice. There was a lot of talking and laughing and getting to know each other.  Not in a kind of way but in a relaxed and totally spontaneous element.  All indications led me to believe that this guy had more than potential!  But wait. It got better.  At then end of our date, my "suitor", ever the gentleman, decides he's going to walk me to my door (Yes this is how comfortable I felt about him, I let him pick me up at home). It was then that he reached for my hand.  We walked slowly and comfortably to my door. Up to this point, this is the most we had done in terms of "intimate" contact! I thanked him for a nice time and kissed his cheek. He reaches for me and kisses me on the mouth. Totally caught me off guard!  But it was nice.  In my head, I tell myself that that is enough. He's coy. He's smooth. He goes for another one and I again, kiss him back. Finally, after some serious making out, we break away and I hug him and tell him to drive safe. He proceeds to ask me and I quote: "Can't you find somewhere better to put your hands?" (at the time, my hands were around his neck.) I looked at him incredulously, and he proceeded to take my hand and put it over his crotch! That's right ladies and gentleman! There was "lift" off!!! I pried my hand away quickly but not quickly enough not to feel his "arousal". At that moment I wanted to throw up. Not because I'm a prude, I'm not. But this idiot ruined an otherwise perfect evening and ruined any chance of building any type of relationship -platonic or otherwise with me. The night ended when he huffed away mad. But not before he telling me, "I thought you were an adult, you're just a cock block bitch." I'm totally serious! He actually said that to me! It was so silly I almost broke out in laughter but I was too angry at him! What happened to "dating"? You know, the guy picks up the girl at home, they go out, have a good time, walks her to the door and "maybe" they kiss or hug and then the date ends. This of course leading the way for the possibility of more dates more flirting, just more in the future!  What happened to that? Am I so "backwards" that this does not happen anymore? I know I'm not because I have been on plenty of dates and none have ever, ever ended the way this one did!! Now, maybe you're thinking that I led him on or teased him. Did I lead him on? No. Did I flirt with him? Of course I did. I was attracted to him and I genuinely was starting to like him. Certainly, I would have wanted to get to know him better and see if it would lead to anything. At what point did our date turn into "You have to blow me?" Give me a break! I felt like I was back in high school fighting off a 9th grader with a hard on! Jeez! What a disappointment! Or in hindsight, a blessing in disguise? This is why dating is very "exclusive" for me and why I am so picky! Don't get me wrong, I am not giving up on dating because I refuse to believe all men are like this moron but damn! Talk about bursting a bubble... I should have known this was too good to be true...or rather, he was to good to be true...

Alas, that was a few days ago and it is past. My eyes are focused on the future and what wonderful, charming, sexy, intelligent men I have yet to meet...
"And THAT'S what happened." I said to my dorky friends.

"Bring her a shot!"

Lovely! My friends' answer to all of our plights, alcohol! Works for me, Salud!


David Batista said...

What an effed up way for a seemingly perfect date to end. Some men, I tell ya . . .

Perhaps the expectation is that, if you're over 30 and single, you must be desperate. And that, therefore, of course you'll be open to anything since this is the best you can ever hope for.

Pfft! As if.

Good riddance to that fool.

Yvonne said...

David - Interestingly enough, for the past two to three years the men I have either dated have all been much, much younger than me and oftentimes, some will tell me that they believe that "older" women are a "sure" thing. It's that whole, older women = more experienced woman mentality I suppose. Oh who knows? Dating is just Krazy -with a K! And you're absolutely correct, "good riddance to that fool!"