Wednesday, March 2, 2011

A Heavy Heart

A minute of your time?  There's something on my mind I'd like to share.  Ready?  When I originally started this blog in 2007, I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was that I wanted to find an outlet for my writing.  To give my words a voice, if you will.  I wrote for a little while but then gave up on the idea.  In August of 2010, I decided to give this blog another try and so I returned.  At the time, I was going through a lot of major changes in my life and  was in emotional distress.  I sat down in front of my computer on August 1st and began to write.  And I continued to write almost daily for the rest of the year.  I found it to be comforting and a form of release from my crazy life, my rollercoaster ride of emotions.  This blog was created to showcase some of my work and to give you, the readers, a voyeuristic view.  Because in essence, that's what this blog is, an extension of me.  I just never gave much thought to the repercussions of what being such an "open book" could bring.  And because of that, I've hurt someone I love, very much.  The thing is, once I get going with the blog, I totally let loose. I totally become absorbed and can't type fast enough, to get the words down.  I'm a storyteller, it's what I do.  Even with own life.  I write about what happens to me and to those around me, in the form of a story.  It was never  my intention to hurt anyone.  So now, I'm sad and have a heavy heart, because I don't know how to fix this.  Really, I'm at a loss.  But I'm also torn.  As a writer, I believe with my whole heart and soul that any form of censorship is wrong.  Yet, because of something that I wrote, I've had to succumb to this "censorship" that I speak of, and remove certain posts.  It was my peace offering to the person that I hurt. My olive branch.  But it's too late.  The damage is done.  I'm upset at myself for being so naive and not realizing what could happen as a result of sharing my life with the world.  And I'm upset because I feel that I was forced into taking something down that I wrote.  I don't like being forced into anything.  I hate when I don't know how to fix things.  That's what I do, I "fix" things, build you up, make you feel better.  But in this instance, I can't.  This blog has been my refuge and my salvation.  I'm in my element when I come here.  I don't want to walk on eggshells for anyone, I don't even do it for myself.  I don't want to suddenly, be afraid to write whatever comes to mind.  I don't want this to become  "work". Not this.  So this is where I am now.  Torn.  Well, that's where I was earlier today.  Tonight, I'm in a slightly better mood and mindset.  To the person that I hurt, I am very sorry and you know this.  To the people that have nothing better to do than to belittle others in order to make themselves feel better, do what you gotta do. I will not waste any more energy or time on you.  And to my bloggie friends, thanks for indulging me.  You're all the best!

I finally know what "eating humble pie" means.  It's not bad, not bad at all.


Belle said...

I'm sorry to hear all this. It is hard to censure yourself once you get writing. My daughter asked me to remove something I had written about her son once, and I did.

Yvonne said...

Belle- Really? Did that upset you? Did she make you feel like you had done something terribly wrong? That's how I feel right now.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

This is why I do my thing entirely anonymously. I understand that if I 'came out of the closet' I might feel more open in many ways. I want people that read me to realize that I am being absolutely real with them. But then I might feel controlled and closed in too. And believe me I have felt those feelings more than enough for my tastes. So at least for now and for the foreseeable future I will remain a bit of a mystery. I hope everything works out for you, my friend.

Mynx said...

Like Jasmine, I blog secretly from my family. If i told them i would need to censor for fear of upsetting people.
I am sorry you have this problem. It is difficult to have to change your real feelings.

PencilGirl said...

I totally understand what you're feeling and thinking. I first started blogging in 2007 as well, but because majority of my readers were people I knew, I would censor myself- both consciously and unconciously. So, while that blog might have served as a showcase of my writing talent, it was a severe strain on me emotionally. That's why I started blogging anonymously. Because, as you said, the writer in me doesn't want to be censored.
As for what you can do now.. It was okay to remove the offensive posts, because we don't write to hurt people, only to free our own minds. Don't start censoring yourself unduly though, because you might have the same trouble I did. I hope things get sorted out and you feel better soon.. :)

Anonymous said...

I have been lucky enough to not run into this issue but can imagine that it would be difficult to deal with. I don't think I'd have a problem taking something down if it hurt somebody I love. I love my writing but not more than the people in my life. I would keep the post on my computer for me to have as a reminder of where I was in time and space-it doesn't have to be on my blog to do that.

I blog with only some family and friends knowing about it and only 2 people I know in real life follow and read my blog regularly. They both know me inside and out and they both understand my writing is an outlet I don't think they'd take anything personally-but if they did I'd do my best to make it right.

I'm sorry that you have been put in a position you are uncomfortable with but for me it's an easy answer-people are more important to me than a post.

David Batista said...

That sucks, Yvonne. It really does.

Like you, I never censor myself. But then, most of my revealing posts on my blog are about myself only. I could see why someone might not want me to post up details pertaining to their own life, especially if such details revolved around our personal relationship.

I think what you're doing to remove these posts is not censorship, though. Just an honest mistake and something you owned up to and are being proactive about. Good for you!

It's natural to feel crappy, but in the end I think you'll do fine getting back to the usual swing of things and blogging like before.

Sunny Dee said...

I know EXACTLY how you're feeling right now. I am in the same boat. Although, I'm only forced to censor myself for fear of causing MYSELF hurt.

I'm blogging semi-anonymous. There are a few people I chose to share my "true" identity with, but a very few. Even after all the measures I've taken to NOT be found by people from a past life, they've still found me.

There is so much I've wanted to say this past week about how much turmoil I'm in, but if I let my guard down and really let it out, there will be massive fallout and drama. This is making me feel just that much worse. I can't stand the fact that even now, almost four years later, my abusive ex STILL has some form of control over me, and that he has the gall to try and bring me down in my time of celebration.

I so desperately want to let him have it here in Blog Land, but passive aggression is only going to fuel his fire. Sadly, I don't have any other emotional outlet besides writing. All these negative emotions are simmering under the surface, and it's really starting to get to me.

I too am a "fixer" but I have no idea how to fix this. I've been trying for years. :/

Average Girl said...

you know i love ya lot Yvonne and what drew me to your blog was that you wrote from your heart... don't censor darlin, just be you, it's what makes you so wonderful


myjoyproject said...

You have my empathy my dear, you really do.

and I think you have inspired a blog post for the future for me...

Anonymous said...

Hello, I'll be a new follower when I'm done commenting.
I do censor myself on my blog but it's a personal choice. I admire people who say what's in their heart.

I hope you feel better about the whole thing soon. You've done your best to smooth hurt feelings. Stuff happens.

♥ The Lyrical Designer ♥ said...

i had to leave my previous blog of 5 years because i finally found i couldnt write what was in my heart without censoring the crap out of it first..

you have to write what you feel. this is your home and no one can tell you how to hang your pictures!!!

Alessandra said...

I hear you. It happened to me too, with the weirdo parents that wanted me to take down a post I wrote. I didn't, but I didn't care if they didn't like it, cause I didn't even know them. Family and friends though is a different thing. I probably would take it down if it hurt somebody I cared for.

I still think if you want to speak your mind you should be able to. I love your stories, so keep writing girl. :)

Yvonne said...

Everyone - Thanks so much for your kind words and your show of solidarity -haha. I appreciate it very much! I realize I messed up by writing about something so personal that had to do with someone else's life. I've taken measures to make sure it doesn't happen again and as for the person I hurt, we're good. :)

G said...

There's an old saying 'publish and be dammed' - write from the heart, be yourself and those true people will like you for you

Anonymous said...

Yeah a lot of things happen since I started and now I'm torn on a few things about my blog but I don't know.

I'm sure you'll be fine.

The Adorkable Ditz' Missteps