Friday, August 13, 2010

Things on my mind...

What is it about me that always, always goes back to the pain? Willfully!!!! Just as I'm starting to come out of this emotional choke hold I've been under, just as I'm starting to be a little happy, I completely sabotage all the progress I've made by doing the one thing I've been desperately trying to get over? This isn't the first time I do this mind you. It's like rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat, and rinse, repeat with me. I did this today. I know better and yet, still I was weak, and now I'm left with the residue of my actions. And I'm angry -at myself mostly. But as my therapist (yes I see one from time to time) tells me, I have to stop being so hard on myself. So I did it again, take a deep breath, move on and let it go. That's what I'm supposed to do. But instead I obsess about it and beat myself up about it. Sigh, baby steps...

Avoidance - My mom is the best! She's been both mother and father (he's around just, not) and the one thing she always instilled in my brothers and sister and me, was always to confront whatever issues we had. Handle everything face forward and deal with the situation. She's amazing! Sadly, I take after my dad, meaning, I avoid confrontation, avoid difficult situations and if things get too hard, I just avoid, period. It can be as simple as a phone call from someone I don't want to speak to. Now, any normal person would answer it and tell them to leave you alone or not to call you anymore or something like that! I just don't answer, don't return phone calls, texts ---somehow, I hope that they will eventually get the message. That part of me sucks. I am trying very hard to change that, I keep having conversations about this with my mom. She's she some light on this dillemma but I have a long road ahead of me before I can say I'm cured! lol

Impulsiveness - I am one of the most impulsive, compulsive, impetuous people I know! Being impulsive can be ok, but sometimes, it is bad! lol It's just that I react and act almost simultaneously! Not considering the consequences, not counting to 10 first and then, think about doing whatever it is I want to do. No not me, I punch first and ask questions later. hehe

Laughter - I haven't laughed in a very long time. I miss that.

More on my progress later! It's Friday! Weekend abounds, endless possibilities await me! That and the Pat Benatar concert at House of Blues tonight!

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