Sunday, August 15, 2010

In My Head You Will Find...

Today was a weird day for me -emotionally I mean. I woke up, lay in bed for what seems an eternity. I kept telling myself I needed to get up and get ready for church. Then I convinced myself that I would just go in the evening instead. Thus, freeing my day to do whatever I wanted. What did I want to do? An overwhelming, -I'm pausing here, because I can't really put into words what I was feeling- I guess, a combination of sadness and fear? Hmm, ok we'll go with that for now! I've been questioning myself a lot lately, my life, choices I have made...

Maybe it's because I'm tired, so tired of living the way I have been. Going through the motions, but not really feeling, keeping myself at bay, so I won't be heartbroken, purposely sabotaging anything remotely tangible. See what I mean? But today, today I woke up feeling, empty. This so not how I envisioned my life. I realized that I am very unhappy, inside, with myself. So how on earth can I emit happiness if the light in mybody is off??? I can't. -This is what spun in my head as I lay there, in bed, procrastinating my day.

So I got up, robotically got dressed and headed out the door to nowhere in particular. My cell phone kept ringing incessantly. But I didn't answer. Whoever was calling, would have to wait. I didn't feel like talking. Almost like taking an inpromptu vow of silence -almost. :)

I found myself heading in the direction of one of my safe havens. -The bookstore. I can go into a bookstore and inhale the smell, feel the textures, relish in the words of whatever book I pick up, and feel almost euphoric! Seriously. I get almost giddy! I know, I know, pathetic isn't it? A friend of mine told me that I was having sex with bookstores all over Houston! He said I was substituting men with books. Wow, no wonder I always left the bookstores with a smile on my face! Yeah well, I think my friend is kind of retarded! Anyway, I stayed a few hours, people watched, thought a lot about myself and prayed. Prayed for direction, prayed for inner peace, prayed for my forgiveness. Not God's, I know I have that already. It's my own forgiveness that I don't have.

Life is passing by, so, so fast.

The way I was feeling today reminded me of a book I'm currently reading. THe passage goes like this:
'the random ordering of the world, the unimaginable odds against any particular condition, still please me. [..] never believed in fate or providence, or the future being made by someone in the sky. Instead, at every instant, a trillion trillion possible futures; the pickiness of pure chance and physical laws seemed like freedom' (I.McEwan Saturday)

-"A trillion, trillion possible futures" so true, the question remaining is which one do I choose to live?

So my visit to my "other" sanctuary (my first being church, which by the way, I did not go to mass as I said I would)calmed me, for awhile.

But I still have so many questions, so many answers I need.

On deck is Monday, and I've got to get out of this funk before I drive myself insane!

My life -to be continued...

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