What kind of person lets herself be used? Knowingly and willingly? I used to say I was in love with him. As if that would somehow make it all right. I know now, that that was not love. Sure, I was attracted to him, still am, and I genuinely care for him very much, but it's not love. Infatuation? Most definitely! Borderline obsession? Possibly. Sigh, I used to tell myself, convince myself even, that it was better to have him for "a little while" than not at all. I knew what I was doing, I knew what he was doing and yet, I didn't stop him and I didn't stop myself. Had I never developed feelings for him, then I would not be in this state. But I did, and so here I am. This pattern of self-destruction, of masochism, went on for longer than it should have ever gone. How could I have been so stupid? What was I thinking? -Not a lot obviously! It's just that I lost all self-control whenever he came around. It was almost hypnotic. Literally, I would go weak at the knees and get so giddy I was beside myself! I'm still working on getting him out of my system. But it's so freaking hard! It is a constant battle with myself! Some days are harder than others. What bothers me the most is how I could think so little of myself and let well, what happened, happen, over and over. I never want to feel that way again, ever. I never want to be someone's second choice -ever again. And I won't be. Because I realized that I am worth so much more and deserve someone that deserves me. I decided to out myself and write all this down in hopes of easing the enormous void I feel inside. Perhaps give me answers as to why I would accept this behavior towards me. I have shed my last tear for this man. My LAST one!
I'm continuing my journey to self-discovery and working out the issues that shadow my life at the moment. Baby steps, that's what my dear friend Carla tells me. Indeed baby-steps. Long road ahead to better things, but I will get there and it will all be worth it! To paraphrase what Carla so eloquently used to tell me when she was training me at the gym, "I GOT this!"
4 comments:
It is so hard to give up a man you love. My first husband had two affairs when we were married. I still found it hard to let him go. I loved him so much. But after I left him we went to marriage counselling, and it was there I learned he would never change and I had to move on.
I know there is someone just for you. I met my second husband after I had decided to quit looking. When you aren't looking, he will show up. Well, what do I know? But I actually believe it.
Belle, thanks for your kind words!
Oh I can relate to this. How brave of you to write it. Even after the infatuation and the passion are gone... the humiliation lingers, and you just don't understand because the horror is how little you must have thought of yourself, and you see yourself as you think others may have seen you...
But that's all baloney because we have ALL been there. It happens. It hurts. But you grow and you find something much deeper. And it's good to get it out of your system now before you meet Mr. Right. :)
I admire your honesty. Infatuation is a funny thing. It's not something we can control, no matter how damaging. All we can do is acknowledge the weakness and do our best to move on. I wish you all the luck in the world.
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