Happy Birthday Dad!

My dad turned 80 years old two weeks ago. Eighty.  Wow, I remember when he turned 50 and mom threw him a big surprise party (they were still married at the time).  I remember thinking that he was so old back than.  And here I am now, 53 feeling anything but old.  Life has a sarcastic sense of humor.

My brothers and my sister and I had threw him a party to end all parties.  I mean, from the succulent dinner that my sister-in-law spent all day cooking, to the full stocked bar (oh we drink in my family!) and the music for dancing...  Suffice it to say, he was very happy to have all of his kids, the grandkids, family and close friends together.  We partied like it was 1999 -for real y'all!  The party shut down right before sunrise.  As the party went on, I couldn't help but reflect on my dad.  The first man I ever loved.  He is not perfect and has made mistakes along his journey.  Our relationship is a very complicated one.  We've had our issues.  But he's my dad and I love him, faults and all.  If you're fortunate enough to still have your parents in your life, tell them you love them, often.  Laugh with them.  I promise it's totally worth it.

Life is good and then it's bad, and then it's good again.  I take my time now with my aging parents.  I try not to rush whatever it is we are dong at the time.  It's almost as if I am inhaling, savoring each and every second of my time with them.  Ever since my mom's stroke back in September, I've taken this approach to life and it works for me.  Hopefully, for you as well.

Now, everyone knows that the centerpiece, the main attraction of a birthday party is THE CAKE right?  Oh come on, you know it's true.  Well, turning 80 years old is an incredible milestone so I found it only fitting to get my daddy an impeccable cake.  This cake had "Nicaraguan Frank Sinatra" written all over it.  That's his nickname since I can't even remember when.  All his friends and family named him that because he loves to sing and because my dad could (still can) charm the hell out of anyone.  He's very debonair.  So I chose this cake for him because it represented everything I just described. And yes, it was delicious!   Check it out ↓

All for Love and Love for All

where are you valentine?
why are you so hard to find
i always look
but never find
elusive
graspless
valentine

A few years ago, I wrote a poem about waiting for the love of my life.  Years after that, I thought I found him.  Only to realize that we were not meant to be.  Oh life, you can be cruel for sure, and unfair.  But life is life no matter what happens to us.  I could have let the experience make me bitter and jaded.  Full of hate and self-loathing.  But I didn't.  Sure I was devastated and sad for a long, long, time.  Actually, I am still sad.  But not in the desperate I think  my heart is going to come out of my chest kind of sad.  It's a more stoic kind of sadness.  A sadness that I believe, will stay with me always.  And  that's okay.  I can live with that.  What I can't live without is love.  Not just the romantical kind.  But love of family and friends and love of life.  Passion for life. Love of myself.  It's all very empowering and intoxicating and I love feeling this way.  Oh I have my down days, but I don't let myself stay there too long.  It's a buzz-kill don't you know?

As this is the week of love and heart-shaped chocolates and flowers and candle-lit dinners or beer and pizza -either works -heh. I wish you love and kisses (preferably real ones but chocolate ones work too) I hope you spread your love around.  Even if you're not in a romantic relationship, don't be greedy.  Share it with your family, your friends, you get what I'm saying don't you? Of course you do.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Balance

I used to think that I knew what I wanted out of life.  When I was in my twenties, I used to want to be married by the age of 24 and have at least 2 kids by age 27.  My two kids, my husband and our dog, would live in a old but renovated home in the city.  Yeah, I'm not a suburbs kinda gal.  Anyway, years passed and that dream soon died.  And for the life of me, I cannot recall if I ever dreamed of wanting more.   I don't recall aspiring to want more out of my life.  Isn't that sad?  I mean, who aspires to be married with kids a house and a dog?  Well, I do.  I did.  

This year I will turn 54 years old and all I want is to find balance in my life.  No, not the equilibrium kind, though I do have episodes of vertigo from time to time. The balance I am speaking of is feeling fulfilled with my life thus far.  Being at peace with myself and with others.  Being in tune with my body.  Loving myself so much that the longing and yearning for more, I sometimes feel, is almost non-existent.  

I would be lying if I told you that I didn't feel like a failure. I do.  Not always, but enough times that I can't just put a band-aid on it and call it a day.  I suppose that feeling as if I have accomplished nothing worth noting, stems from my own criticisms  You know the ones that get louder and louder but only you can hear them?  Yeah those.  I'm notorious for that.  We are our own worst critics after all.  

At the start of this new year, I vowed to do something every month that I could be proud of.  I am pleased to say that I am finding things almost daily (almost being an understatement) to be proud of myself for.  It doesn't have to be a big thing either.  But it's mine and I accomplished it.  Whatever it may be.  And that makes me happy.  Hmm.  Did you hear that? I mean read that?  I find happiness in doing things that I can be proud of!  

I've started keeping a journal filled with daily goals.  I've never done that before.  I know, I know, I can't believe it either.  But it's very satisfying and it forces me to challenge myself.  But remember how in the beginning of this post I was talking about not finding the balance? Well, I still haven't found it.  Though it sounds like I am on the right track.  I don't have all of the answers, actually I don't have any answers.  But I know in my heart of hearts that I was put on this earth to be incredible and not mediocre.  To be loud and not quiet.  To be tall not short -oh wait.  That one is fake news.  I'm all of 4'10.  My apologies, my humor cracks me up.  Hopefully, it cracks you too.

I don't know what the rest of 2020 looks like yet.  I don't know if this is the year that the boyfriend will enter and turn into husband.  I don't know if that house in the city will transpire.  At this point, I'd take a condo dowtown.  Ha!  There goes that humor again.  I hope love does come into my life again.  But I am not dwelling on that too much.  All I know is that I will try my best to accomplish something positive everyday. Something that I can be proud of.   Life is fragile and fleeting and so I we must do everything in our power to find the balance and to be happy.

At least, that's what I think.

just because

just because I said good-bye
doesn't mean I have stopped caring for you
or loving you
or yearning for you

just because I  chose to do what was best for me,
doesn't make me cold-hearted

the process has been a painful one
and a lonely one
yet, I do not regret what I did.

I'll love you forever
beyond my last breath

just because you're not in my life
doesn't mean you're not in my heart
even while I sleep
see you in my dreams