Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Online Dating Don'ts for Dummies (and by dummies, I mean men)

I have a confession to make.  A few years ago, I was really into the online dating thing.  I joined a few different sites and proceeded to interact with potential victims dates on the regular.  No one coached me or took me under their wing when  I did this.  So I was basically treading uncharted waters with a blindfold over my eyes.  But I'm a quick learner and picked up on the online dating protocol (so to speak) fairly quickly.  So I feel it is my duty as a fellow single person to help you eligible bachelors see the error of your ways.

Ready? Let's do this.  Alright, here we go:

1.  Do not take a selfie of yourself in the bathroom while staring at the mirror. It's creepy and makes us think that you have no friends to take your picture.  This leads to us thinking you have poor social skills.

2.  If you HAVE to take a selfie of yourself and you feel you HAVE to pose in front of the bathroom mirror, for the love of god, please put a shirt on.  Your ape looking chest is not an attractive trait, contrary to what you may think.

3.  When filling out your essay, take the time to proof what you wrote and try to remember to take the caps lock off so that every word you typed DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THIS.

4.  DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT ask a woman on a dating site, "So do you wanna fuck?" in your initial message (or subsequent messages for that matter) to her.  I mean, there are sites specifically catered to lines like, "So do you wanna fuck?" Go there.

5.  Do not ask for our work number and/or address if you've just started corresponding.  And do not insist on asking us for our work number and/or address.  This only makes you look like a potential stalker.

6.  Do not make one of your goals in life to find your "sole mate" - We'll just think you have a foot fetish and tell you they are dating sites for that sort of thing.

7.  If you are on a dating site, it's safe to assume that you actually want to date.  So please, do not start communicating with a woman only to tell her right before a date, "I am still in love with my ex, I'm hoping you will help me REBOUND " ---true story.

8.  Please DO NOT send us random pictures of your penis.  Contrary to your very delusional mind, we do not get turned on by this.  It's NOT cute. Really, it's just not.  And this will not make us want to date you more, trust me.  And again, they have sites designed just for that sort of thing.  Go there instead.

9.  Some of us take quite a bit of time and effort into writing our essays and creating our profiles.  So would it be so much to ask for you to actually read what we wrote and/or our criteria.  Why would I want to date a 19 year old?  Seriously?  My age range is specific to OVER 21 ---get real.

10.  I saved the best for last.  I recently decided to jump in and start dating again.  Or at the very least, get my feet wet. Well, I met someone.  Nice guy. (seemingly), we hit off in emails and exchanged cell numbers fairly quickly.  This guy was a professional texter.  He LOVED to text.  I prefer phone calls.  Anyway we talked almost daily for about a week and a half. During which time he asked for my work address and phone number.  The address was because he wanted to send me flowers (uh-huh) and the phone number was so that he could call me throughout the day.  (He had my cell number already)  So this guy gets annoyed when I don't give him my work number or my address.  It scared me.  He then proceeds to blow up my phone with texts every half hour or so.

9:00 a.m. "Hi sweetie, hope you're having a good day" 
9:30 a.m. "Thinking about you..."
10:00 a.m. "Uh, why haven't you replied?"
10:30 a.m. "Ok I guess you're busy, call me when you can"
11:00 a.m.  "Babe? Why are you ignoring me"

That's not a joke.  It happened. I finally called him when I went to lunch and told him to lose my number and never call me again. He told me I was being irrational.  I told him I didn't care what he thought.  And that's the last I heard of  him.  And? The whole "baby" thing? I use terms of endearment all the time. If I'm dating someone, I use them quite often.  But NOT if  I've never met you.  I don't like that, I'm not sure about other women, but that just annoys me.  So fellas, don't be so possessive or controlling. If you are, you seriously need work those issues out before trying to date someone.

So there you have it.  Take it for what it's worth.  I realize women have their own "Don'ts" out there. I'm more than certain that a few of you guys are going to point them out to me. And that's fair, but this post was specifically meant to my male audience, thanks to Number 10.  -You're welcome.  :)

And that folks, was my Monday (now Tuesday) rambling.  And for those that have been texting and/or emailing me about the Texans loss on Sunday, I don't want to talk about it.  Mmmkay???

Be good.


Robin said...

Hilarious. I haven't online dated in a long time.... not because I am OVERWHELMED in the dating department, but because I just don't feel good enough to go through it (dating, that is).

Best one: sole mate. Love that.

Yvonne said...

Robin- glad you liked it. Dating is too complicated for me and yet, I am drawn back in all the time. If nothing else, it gives me great blogging material! :)

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

This blog post should be a public service announcement that all men should be required to read!!!
Common sense ain't what it used to be, huh?!
Keep on girl, you WILL find your man. You so deserve a good one. :)

Don said...

(Commenting with tongue firmly planted in my cheek)

Ah, Sweetie, it looks like you may be preaching to the choir since I seem to be the first horny stud to comment. I'll pick you up at your office today when it's time for your lunch break and we'll have a "nooner quickie".......and no, I won't have any flowers for you. Just don't be wearing panties when I get there, Darlin'.

David Batista said...

Good to know these things! Haha--no, I'm happy to say that I would never make any of these mistakes. I have no interest in land line numbers or home addresses unless and UNTIL we meet in person and have had a couple of dates first. Same thing with terms of endearment. I would never use them unless we were officially an item. And even then it might still take me some time. I'm very stingy with my endearments. Haha! :)

I haven't done so yet, but I've been wondering about going onto a dating website. I haven't been single since before the Internet, though, so I'm afraid I know next to nothing about what to expect. I have heard plenty of horror stories from ladies, but very few from men. Probably because there are a lot more sicko men out there preying on the women who put up profiles, rather than vice-versa. I think?

I hope this gives me an advantage, then, as a nice decent guy who has no interest in being creepy or playing mind games or solely "hooking up."

Now if I can only figure out which of the top online dating sites are for me ...

Red Shoes said...


Having said that, dating is a cluster-fuck... one great big clusterfuck.

An addendum to # 1: If you HAVE to do this, make sure that there isn't a floater lurking in the toilet... talk about a mood breaker.

Anyhoo... dating is as much of a train wreck for us guys as it is for you ladies.

Trust me on that.


Bouncin Barb said...

Been there, done that. They're the same at 20, 30, 40 or 50. I will blog about my horror stories soon. Good for a laugh at least.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

For the love of God, gentlemen (to use the term extremely loosely, like Kardashian loose), read this post. Quit doing all that crap. It's annoying as hell.

Oy vey, Yvonne. I'm tempted to get sucked back in. This time, I've steered clear of resubmitting my profile for about 6 months. It's practically a new record. I only stay away because, though I need the material and dates and -well-sex, I see that I'd really be scraping the bottom of the barrel with every attempt.

Hang tough,

Yvonne said...

YRJ- ha! It's my contribution to society, Thanks doll, hope he's out there somewhere!

Don- leave it to you to perv it up! ha!

David- If you do it, you'll have fun. It's a distraction and who knows? You may get lucky. And by lucky I mean, in finding someone you connect with. heh. Just be careful, there are plenty of CRAZY women out there. (Not me of course! :)

Red Shoes- hahaha! You are crazy! But I must agree, dating IS a big cluster fuck. :)

BB- I have horror stories as well, more than the ones I wrote about. We should compare notes one day! :)

Robyn- bahaha! I need to make an infomercial!