gray

as i sit here, in my room, the sound of silence grows louder and louder.  how to quiet the noise?  it's been a long day.  i should be asleep already.  but the restlessness of my mind prohibit this from happening.  i've always been a worrier.  i'm the queen of worry.  i can't help it.  it's just the way i am, always have been.  i hate it.  i hate that i care and then worry so much about pretty much everything in my life and the lives of my loved ones.  today's menu features ponderings of life and how short it really is.

what would you do if you were told you were going to die in a week? or a month?  would you live your life differently? would you live it recklessly? would you even care at all?  what if you had no prior warning, and you died suddenly?  of course, you wouldn't be able to ponder on what ifs and regrets, but would you make sure beforehand that you were living life to the fullest?  i know that that sounds cheesy and maybe even trite, but it's true.  if we are living just to live, if we are just existing without being driven to achieve something more or towards our happiness, then aren't we dead already?

not everyone likes to talk about death.  i mean really?  that's not even on the top ten topics  i want to discuss, like ever.  but it's there.  death.  silently roaming our lives.  every so often reminding us that we are not invincible, even though we think we are.  i watch the news daily, and every day someone loses their life.  naturally, tragically, senselessly. it just happens.

so what do we do? i used to know someone that always said we were all going to heaven when our time came, because clearly, we are already in hell.  heavy right? yeah.  i used to call him "debbie downer" -even though he was male.  he got sick one day, went to the doctor and never made it back home.  he had a stroke while at the doctor's office and they were not able to bring him back.  at his funeral, one of his friends spoke of our friend and said, "Jay was cynical and crass and a hard ass, but he lived his way by his rules and didn't regret it at all" ----  i remember thinking, "how?  how do you know he didn't regret it?"  i'd like to think that a little part of him did regret not being able to look past the clouds and despair of this world, at least enough to let himself love and be loved.  because to me, that is what is most important about this whole life thing.  i love my family and my friends, wholly and freely and intensely.  it's key to my own happiness.  family makes me happy.  truly and immensely happy.  spending time with them, laughing, arguing, crying.  all of that stuff is what makes all the bad stuff ok.  and although i may get lonely at times and yearn for the love of a good man, (which i believe i may have already found)  i never lose sight of what is most important in my life.  so if i were to die tomorrow, rest assured, i would be happy.  not that i was leaving everyone, but that i was able to know love and be loved.  and i know you may not all agree with me.  hell, no one may agree with me or even understand what the heck i'm talking about.  but that's okay, i understand me.

on a slightly related note, my 90 year old grandmother is in the hospital.  she's going to have surgery tomorrow morning.  she slipped and fell and broke her hip.  she's in a lot of pain and the doctors say that surgery is the only answer.  the problem with that though, is that she is a sick 90 year old woman.  she has other health issues going on as well.  she's my only remaining abuela, my other one died in 2000.  praying for the best, bracing for the worst.  i'm not being pessimistic, just a realist.  although, i plan to keep bombarding god with prayers.

i'm sorry for this dark post.  i don't mean to sound so disturbing or morose.  i'm just going through some unexpected personal battles.  i hope you understand.  i realize this is not the kind of post you are used to.  i'll be back to my crazy self soon.

peace.

just me, rambling

i've been told by my guy friends that a woman who is into football and knows her stuff, is way hotter than a well, than a "hot" woman that knows nothing about football or any sport for that matter.  what say you?  true or false?

by the same token, i tend to find men who are interested in sports more attractive than men that aren't. which is kind of not fair really.  i mean, some men i know, have no interest whatsoever in any kind sport, but love something else, such as cooking or collecting things or spy movies, or fixing cars, i don't know, but you get what i mean right?  do other females do this as well?

why do we do that?

these questions were prompted by my suitor and i and our recent conversations.  we're in the "inquisitive" stage of our dating life.  you know what i mean right?  the stage where information is fully and freely disclosed.  where we can't learn enough about each other and so we're constantly probing, seeking answers, reactions, etc.  it's kind of fun.  it's not happening in an interview kind of way either.  it's happening naturally, at it's own pace. but swiftly.  does that make sense?

whatever this is, it's fun and exciting for me. and i deserve it.  is it going anywhere? i hope so. but i'm not rushing anything and neither is he.  for now, it is what it is.

alright.  new business.

football season or pre-season started last week.  did i mention the texans won? i didn't?  oh well, they did.  bulls on parade, baby! they're back!  exciting times ahead for football fans everywhere.  i can't wait to see what happens.

i'm also brainstorming for ideas on this year's halloween costume(s).  yes already.  one can never start too early!  i'll be going to several parties and two of them i know for sure will be themed.  one is a gangster/roaring 20's party and the other is a futuristic type of themed party.  we'll see what happens, who knows, maybe i'll have a "ahem", date and we'll go dressed as a couple.  :)

oh and for those inquiring minds, yes "he" knows about my blog and he's read some posts, probably will read this one too.  and guess what? we're okay with that.

happy tuesday kids!

Yvonne's Dating Adventures: Date No. 2 Recap

When last we met, I was all in a tizzy (in a good way) because I'd just had a pretty fantastic first date.  And if any of you have been following my blog for a while, you all know that that almost NEVER happens.  First dates for me, usually end badly or lead to second date fiascos.  I'm happy to report, that date number two, was anything but a fiasco.  As I mentioned before, my suitor travels a lot for work, so trying to get together again has been quite the production.  But we were finally able to coincide our schedules and went out again almost three weeks after our first date.  A long time in between, I know, I know.  But we spoke on the phone a lot, and text messaged, and emailed and even skyped a few times.  He even sent me flowers just because!  So yeah, I'm really digging this guy.  Anyway, so our second meeting took place at his place.  What?  Don't judge me.  And get your mind out of the gutter.  He cooked for me and we drank wine, and listened to music and talked and talked and talked.   Well, we laughed too.  He's quite the character, this one.  And you know what else?  He kissed me.  Yes, yes, he did.  Finally.  It was a nice kiss.  Who am I kidding?  It was fabulous kiss and not gonna lie, we had more than one.  Come on, you knew we would. He's very affectionate, but not so much that it becomes suffocating.  So all in all, our second date went extremely well.  Almost as well as our third date went.  That's right kids, we've seen each other again.  But those details will be saved for another time.  I'm a tease like that.   :)

So what's going on in your lives?  Fill me in.

sweet nothings

unspoken words
a look
a stare
holding hands
lingering touches

conversations started under the moon
ending over the rising sun
savory kisses
bear hugs 
a sigh

racing heart
butterflies in the stomach
smiling even in your sleep
a happy heart.

this is what i long for
this is what i crave