My old friend.
We have a love-hate relationship.
He loves to torture me
I hate him for it.
He comes to me in doses.
other times, only half
Still, ever painful.
I call him "Monster"
Others know him as "Depression"
I feel that he is male because he hurts me
like a jilted lover
over and over again.
He's got to be male right?
As hard as I fight him
I feel I am losing this battle.
I've beat him before,
But this time, I am tired.
And I can't see past the tears.
This choke-hold he's got on my entire being,
I can't breathe.
Sometimes I want to give in and let him win
So I give up.
But then I remember that I am a fighter and I don't like to lose.
Especially to a pseudo man.
God give the strength.
I need help or I will fall deeper into that black hole;
the abyss of sadness and despair.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I hate that I am so weak
Sometimes I make myself believe that this is all a nightmare and I will wake up to "normalcy", but then morning comes, and I realize that I'm living the nightmare. My battle with depression has been ongoing since my late twenties. The "episodes" come sporadically. Sometimes I will go years without an episode, sometimes, months. And then there are times, when I live, eat and breathe it, for what seems like forever. Medication and therapy help. The dreaded phone call has been made, an appointment set, and soon I will once again, be spilling my guts to someone that will listen for an hour, and then tell me to stop talking, and come back next week. As trivial as I make that sound, the more I talk, and get the "garbage" out, the better I feel. I hate taking medication to "stabilize" my mind. But I realize that without it, I am doomed.
Then of course, are the nay-sayers, the skeptics, the people that look at me and tell me I'm "faking" it or that I just need to "get over it" already! Believe me, if I could, I would just "get over it" I want nothing more! But it doesn't work that way. Depression is an illness. It can lead to really bad things. To them I say, "Fuck you!" and walk away. I don't have time to convince you.
It's a brand new week, let's ALL make it a great one! Or try to at least. :)