Monday, November 7, 2011

one day at a time, every day...

He's back.
My old friend.
We have a love-hate relationship.
He loves to torture me
I hate him for it.
He comes to me in doses. 
Sometimes full
other times, only half
Still, ever painful.

I call him "Monster"
Others know him as "Depression"
I feel that he is male because he hurts me
like a jilted lover
over and over again.
He's got to be male right?

As hard as I fight him
I feel I am losing this battle.
I've beat him before,
many times.
But this time, I am tired.
So tired.
And I can't see past the tears.
This choke-hold he's got on my entire being,
engulfs me.
I can't breathe.

Sometimes I want to give in and let him win
So I give up.
But then I remember that I am a fighter and I don't like to lose.
Especially to a pseudo man.

God give the strength.
I need help or I will fall deeper into that black hole;
the abyss of sadness and despair.

I don't want to cry anymore.
I hate that I am so weak

Sometimes I make myself believe that this is all a nightmare and I will wake up to "normalcy", but then morning comes, and I realize that I'm living the nightmare.  My battle with depression has been ongoing since my late twenties. The "episodes" come sporadically.  Sometimes I will go years without an episode, sometimes, months. And then there are times, when I live, eat and breathe it, for what seems like forever.  Medication and therapy help. The dreaded phone call has been made, an appointment set, and soon I will once again, be spilling my guts to someone that will listen for an hour, and then tell me to stop talking, and come back next week.  As trivial as I make that sound, the more I talk, and get the "garbage" out, the better I feel. I hate taking medication to "stabilize" my mind.  But I realize that without it, I am doomed.

Then of course, are the nay-sayers, the skeptics, the people that look at me and tell me I'm "faking" it or that I just need to "get over it" already! Believe me, if I could, I would just "get over it"  I want nothing more!  But it doesn't work that way.  Depression is an illness.  It can lead to really bad things.  To them I say, "Fuck you!"  and walk away. I don't have time to convince you.

It's a brand new week, let's ALL make it a great one!  Or try to at least.  :)


reeflightning said...

big blog hug (())

Belle said...

Childhood trauma stays with us for years and comes out in depression as we age. I have fought the same battle. It is good to go back to therapy. I wouldn't have made it without wonderful psychologists. People don't understand how horribly painful depression is. I read once it is called "Psychic Pain" which describes it well. God bless.

Yvonne said...

reeflightening- thanks, i could use a lot of those! :)

Belle- Yes it's true. I'm finding that out more and more as I this gets worse. Thanks for understanding. ;)

Munir said...

Awe - - - Take negative thoughts out of your mind if you can. I know it is easier said than done. I was reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book, "Eat, Pray, Love she has some wonderful insights. I tweet with name "blurbwatch" and write things that my elders told me to help make myself and others happy. Like Belle says, therapy is great in helping to cope. Please take care of yourself. You are loved more than you think, by more people than you would know - - or know yet. Hugs.
I may sound overwhelming, but it is just me. I have a big need to make sure that people are happy ! so please fulfill that need of mine and smile!

David Batista said...

I can't add anything personal to this . . . but I feel for you, my friend. I hope things get better and that your session rights things for you, even if only for a little while.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

A tough thing to deal with, indeed. Though I do not suffer myself, I know so many who do. I would not wish this on anyone simply from what I have seen. Getting this out can only be good for you and this is the perfect place to feel free to do that. I wish you the best!

Yvonne said...

Munir - Trust me, your words did make me smile and warmed my heart. Thank you!

David- I hope so too. Thanks for your encouraging words. They help very much!

YRJ- This is why I write about it. Because spilling my emotions, helps in so many ways. Thank you for your kind words!

The Frisky Virgin said...

Oh, my sweet, dear know I'm sending you so many thoughts and hugs. It will be okay, I know it will. *Hugs*

Yvonne said...

FV- You're awesome! Thanks!