I'm not much of a "dater" per se. I mean, I date, but I don't like to "juggle", so if I'm dating one person, then I'm dating one person. I've never been able to date Peter on Monday and Steve on Tuesday and Mario on Wednesday. Do you follow? Good. My friend Fatima, who as we speak is on a whirlwind dating tour, dates more than Carrie Bradshaw's closet has shoes! Case in point, I was speaking to her over the weekend. We were kind of playing catch up since due to her "dates" we had not been able to get together. She starts telling me about the men she's met recently and how she's dating them -ALL of them. At the same time. I started laughing at her because she is hilarious! Her philosophy is "If you like it and it feels good, do it and do it as much as you want." Hmm, something to ponder. So I proceed to tell her about my latest dating anectdotes. She listens and then tells me I need to do as she does. But it's just not me. I'm all for having a good time, but dating is so difficult for me. It becomes almost like a chore and well, where is the fun in that? Seriously, I feel like I channel Lucy Ricardo when I'm on a date. Why? Because everything you can possibly think can go wrong, does -pretty much all of the time. There have been a few exceptions but those are few and far between!
Speaking to Fatima led me to take inventory my latest dating war stories. Now I'm talking about first dates only. Relationships -well that's a whole post! To help you better understand, let me give you a few examples, or laughs -same thing.
1. On a blind date once, I met my suitor at the agreed lounge only to find out that it was Lesbian night and he and I were probably the only heterosexual couple there.
2. On that same date, while at Lesbian Wednesday bar, drinking some wine, my suitor proceeds to put his hand on my thigh, and keeps moving it up until I stop him. He smugly tells me that I "know I want it" and starts again with the hand. So, I take my glass of wine, and smile at him as I throw the Merlot in his face.
3. I went on an amazing (seemingly) date with a man once that seemed too good to be true. And well, he was. For as it turns out, at the end of our date, right before he tries to kiss me, he tells me that he is really a she that likes to dress up as a man on ocassion, but hey, "You're cool with that right?" Um, NEXT!
4. There was a guy I really, really liked. We had been talking for months and finally, we went out. Well, he wined and dined me but when the check came he excused himself to the mens room and never came back. Serious!
5. I once made plans to go out with someone and he asked me to choose the restaurant where we would be going. He said, "Pick your favorite" so I did. Hours before the date, I receive a TEXT from him saying, "You're a little too high-maintenace for me. I'm more a laid back burgers and fries kind of guy. I no longer wish to go out with you." WTF??? Oh well, at least he let me know and didn't stand me up. (FYI-I'm not high maintenace but I do like the finer things in life on ocassion, sue me.)
6. Of course, my all time favorite story is the one about the guy that got mad because I wouldn't give him a blow-job at then end of our FIRST date. (For more in depth explanation, please read "Worst.Date.Ever.")
7. And then let's not forget about my "One Hit Wonder Dates" -the ones that go smashingly well and then they disappear off the face of the earth!
This is why the thought of joining a convent seems more and more appealing to me lately. Oh who am I kidding? I wouldn't last an hour in there!
And the dating merry-go-round continues...