Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Rapture this!

Since the world is coming to an end this Saturday, I saw it fitting to share this article that I read in the Houston Press ( ) I tried to add the pictures but failed miserably.  At any rate kids, take a read and don't forget to laugh!


Five GREAT Things About This Weekend's Rapture
By Richard Connelly, Wed., May 18 2011 @ 3:08PM

Music to be playing about 6 a.m. Saturday: Blondie's "Rapture"

In case you hadn't heard, the Rapture will happen at 5:58 a.m. Saturday. All the good, Christian people will ascend to heaven and everyone else will be left here to suffer through unprecedented natural disasters before the End of Time comes in the fall.

At least that's Doonesbury's take on the situation, which is all the research we're willing to do. Apparently this all stems from some preacher buying billboards across the country advertising the coming apocalypse.

The Rapture coming Saturday? That is craaaazy. Unlike most of the other stuff in the Bible, which is all perfectly true.  Still, the Rapture promises some benefits for YOU LOSERS who will be left here sniveling on Earth while we're up in the clouds banging virgins, or whatever the proper version of heaven turns out to be.

5. Traffic on Monday morning will be a breezeDo your worst, Gulf Freeway. There may be a back-up on the HOV lane to Our Lord, but ye sinners will be cruising like it's HISD's spring break.

4. All those cool old theaters converted into churches? It's movie timeAnd people are going to want to be distracted, believe us. Also, since they're all doomed, you can show all the porno you want. Serve beer while you're at it, because there are no more sainted people than the dedicated agents of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission, according to the TABC, so there won't be any harassing "spot checks."

3. Good time to get your license renewed if you can't do it online
Plus, you won't have to pay any traffic tickets because the municipal court workers MUST spend all their time praying, fasting and doing whatever it is God demands. They certainly aren't doing anything to move cases along.

2. End of the Tea Party
One of two things will happen: The Tea Partiers are right, and Jesus hates immigrants, Democrats and women who actually enjoy sex. In which case, the Tea Partiers are headed upstairs and you won't have to be bothered by them. Or, the Tea Partiers are wrong, and discover there's nothing that can be done about it and flail about in despair. (Or, in a longshot alternative, the Rapture doesn't happen. Just covering all the bases here.)

1. Astros season ends
Drayton McLane loves nothing better than God-fearing white boys in his lineup. Boom! They've disappeared!! Boy, the 1986 Mets would have killed in post-rapture MLB. But then again they killed in 1986

12 comments: said...

These are great, Yvonne. Very funny. Traffic will be a breeze, YES! I forgot the world is ending Saturday, by the way. Thanks for the reminder.

Mynx said...

so is it saturday your time or mine?
I guess i am going to be stuck with the natural disasters becasue I dont see myself ascending to heaven anytime soon

Oilfield Trash said...

I know exactly how you feel about the traffic here. IT sucks.

Belle said...

I think the Tea Party will be surprised at how much God loves everyone - not just them. They will be sooo disappointed :(

Funny article, Yvonne! I don't think we have to worry about Saturday. The guy who is predicting it is a wacko.

David Batista said...

I can't wait for Saturday to come . . . so that Sunday can come right after it, and all the idiots who actually believed this crap here in NYC can feel so DUMB! LOL!

Yvonne said...

Robyn- Sure thing! Anytime!

Mynx- you're sticking behind with the "cool" kids! ha!

OT- sho does! I knew you would understand and relate! lol

Belle- dunno Belle, we've got billboards and everything! :)

David- I'm planning a post-rapture party! I'll skype you in! hahaha!

Cinderita said...

Okay this whole rapture thing which i heard nothing of while i was in spain and portugal has got me a little perplexed. why are people spending so much time writing about it if the world is ending on saturday? why not go out and "ho" it up! drink , smoke, do pot, watch porn...hell DO PORN...and body seems to know where it came from. sheesh. i must go back immediately to the place where we didn't know about was far more fun! although your thought on the HOV lane made me laugh out loud.

tracy@sellabitmum said...

Yes, the end of the tea party is truly a reason to celebrate. Good luck today. HA!

Yvonne said...

Rita- take me with you!!!

tracy- lmao! right?

Matty said...

I believe in what the bible says, and that some day there will be a rapture. However, unlike Camping who gives Christianity a bad name, the bible also says that no one knows when it will happen. He of all people should know better and shouldn't be making public statements like that. All it does is give Christianity a bad rap and gives people and the press something to write about.

We all have our opinions on everything in life. Politics, religion, abortion, the Astros and you name it. The sad part about it though, is the way people react to views that don't align with their own. When I see people publicly mocking and bashing others for their beliefs, it angers me. The intolerance is staggering.

There are religious beliefs and political views that I don't agree with, but I don't publicly ridicule others for it. I keep it to myself.

The Frisky Virgin said...

I actually forgot about it. Saturday came and went and I forgot all about the end of the world. *blushes* Maybe that's for the best. :/

Yvonne said...

Matty- I agree. I am Catholic and have my own beliefs as well, I don't infringe on others' beliefs and expect the same in return. I don't like religious debates because no one ever wins and sometimes, egos are bruised, words are exchanged and it's chaotic.

FV- ha! yes it was definitely for the best! :)