I can't seem to find her. Will someone please help me search? I've gone round and round and still come up empty-handed. The last time I saw her, truly saw "her" she was happy. She was hopeful. She was herself. I am staring at herself now, in the mirror but I don't recognize her. She is no longer a familiar face. Somewhere, amidst the facade and the layers upon layers of mistakes and the pain is where she lays. Where did "She" go? I'm so scared I'll never see her again, so scared. I know she's scared too, of the uncertainty that is her life, the consequences of her mistakes, the sadness that engulfs her. She tries to mask the disappointments and the frustrations with laughter and a smile, always a smile. Convincing everyone but herself. Behind that smile is a sadness so deep, so painful that it is embedded in her soul. Oh how to get her out of that hole that she's fallen into? From the outside looking in, I peer down that black hole. I look hard and see her. She's staring back at me. Pleading with her eyes to help her. I reach my hand down and ask her to take it... "Let me pull you from the darkness!" She takes my hand and holds on tightly. "I won't let go, I promise." I tell her.
Somewhere deep from the depth of my slumber, I hear a ringing and it won't stop. My eyes open, and I realize it's the alarm clock. I shut it off and sit up on my bed. I'm crying and my heart is pounding. The dream is vivid, alive in my mind. I try desperately to remember every little detail. I don't want to forget. But just as other times, my memory of that dream starts fading away and I only remember little bits and pieces. I wipe my tears away and hug myself. Only to have the tears start falling down my face again.
This time I leave them there. Let them fall. And I cry.
For the longest time I've felt lost. At times, I feel I have a grasp on myself, my life, but that only lasts for a little while. I'm so tired of this cycle. So tired. I try and I try to make the changes that need to be made, but I fail miserably in the end. And I return to the familiar, the safety of what I know.
All I can do is keep trying. Keep trying. And keep trying.
4 comments:
Well written, but sad. What's with the sadness?!
http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/
Healing from the past takes so much time. There are a lot of things to learn. Having been through this and now feeling a lot better, I would say, "Believe you are changing, learning and growing as a person."
Hope was gone for me, but home came back. Happiness was just a memory, but it came back. You can't be the person you were; you will be a wiser, more grounded person.
Growing is painful, but your heart won't let you ignore what happened any longer.
Ditzy - thanks! lol, yeah i've been a debbie downer lately. too much going on in my world. but i'm a survivor and an optomist if anyting!
Belle - I try to do this every day. Some days are easire than others. But I keep going. One dat at a time.
Whatever it is that is getting to you, maybe try embracing it and then waiting for an answer with an open heart. Sometimes I am not all that patient, but when I am I find that miraculous things can and do happen. The right insights will come to you, I'm sure. You will know when it's time to do something with those insights.
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