Sunday, Rain and Disappointment

Everyone wants a part of me
I'm being pulled in every direction
I have nothing left to give
My well is dry
Even my "self" is disappearing
I cannot keep this up
I have nothing left to give...

Today was a very nerve wrecking and emotional day for me.  Ok it sucked.  There, let's just cut to the chase. I am drained, physically, mentally and emotionally.  Without getting into specifics, let me just say that sometimes being the oldest kid is a major pain in the ass!  There are serious matters going on in my family's life right now.  One of which is the situation with my sister (I wrote about that last week).  This morning she informed me that she has decided to give the *asshole* a gazillion chance -again.  So she's going back.  To misery, to abuse, to unhappiness.  I was so angry with her when she told me I had to leave the house. Had I stayed, I would have slapped her a few times! So I took a drive in the torrential rain.  I forgot that my windshield wipers were kaput.  I meant to take care of that on Saturday but I was too busy trying to *fix* another family member's life.  So I never got around to it.  Because that's what I do. I give and give and give until there is nothing left.  I drove around listening to nothing but the sound of the rain, as it hit my car.  I came to the conclusion that I cannot keep doing this to myself.  I just can't.  I can't fix everyone.  I can't make everyone happy.  I can't overextend myself  anymore.  There's nothing left of me, for me.  Now I just want to be left alone.  I don't want to hear about any one's woes, other than my own.  Is that selfish?  Maybe, maybe not.  Plenty of times, I have been in situations where I am the one that needs to be helped and yet, no one was around.  Who helps Yvonne? If not Yvonne?  I spoke to Maricela as I was driving aimlessly around the soaked drenched city.  She was great. She just listened to me as I vented. And when I was finished, she told me that I needed to worry about myself and no one else.  Simple, but true.  I felt better after getting everything out of my system.  Thanks Agent LL.  Yeah, another nickname for the other musketeer! Let me explain, you know how I call Michelle, CC for Coca-cola right? Because she's shaped like a coca cola bottle.  Well, Maricela is all legs! She's got the legs I've always dreamed of having. They go on and on for days and you can't help but notice because she's got this walk that only she can walk.  So, I christened her Agent Long Legs, hence, Agent LL.  Yeah I know, lame, and silly -who cares! We like it and that's all that matters. 

 I did not make it out to see Gustabo play on Friday night.  I had every intention of going but I worked very late on Friday.  I had a deadline that needed to be filed and of course, my boss waits to the last possible moment to start working on it.  I didn't leave the office until a little after 8:00 p.m. So, I met a friend for a quick dinner and called it a night.  Then on Saturday I had all kinds of things lined up to do and had plans for the evening, but again, family issues changed my plans.  Needless to say, I was really tempted to open up a bottle of wine tonight.  But I didn't. I was good. There's something about that promise I made to myself that keeps me going.  I don't want to disappoint myself by breaking it.  It's all I have control of right now. Does that make sense?

Oddly enough, I'm looking forward to going into the office tomorrow.  Work will consume my thoughts and leave little time for anything else. 

This weekend was a wash! (pun fully intended)