Sunday, January 16, 2011

Sunday, Rain and Disappointment

Everyone wants a part of me
I'm being pulled in every direction
I have nothing left to give
My well is dry
Even my "self" is disappearing
I cannot keep this up
I have nothing left to give...

Today was a very nerve wrecking and emotional day for me.  Ok it sucked.  There, let's just cut to the chase. I am drained, physically, mentally and emotionally.  Without getting into specifics, let me just say that sometimes being the oldest kid is a major pain in the ass!  There are serious matters going on in my family's life right now.  One of which is the situation with my sister (I wrote about that last week).  This morning she informed me that she has decided to give the *asshole* a gazillion chance -again.  So she's going back.  To misery, to abuse, to unhappiness.  I was so angry with her when she told me I had to leave the house. Had I stayed, I would have slapped her a few times! So I took a drive in the torrential rain.  I forgot that my windshield wipers were kaput.  I meant to take care of that on Saturday but I was too busy trying to *fix* another family member's life.  So I never got around to it.  Because that's what I do. I give and give and give until there is nothing left.  I drove around listening to nothing but the sound of the rain, as it hit my car.  I came to the conclusion that I cannot keep doing this to myself.  I just can't.  I can't fix everyone.  I can't make everyone happy.  I can't overextend myself  anymore.  There's nothing left of me, for me.  Now I just want to be left alone.  I don't want to hear about any one's woes, other than my own.  Is that selfish?  Maybe, maybe not.  Plenty of times, I have been in situations where I am the one that needs to be helped and yet, no one was around.  Who helps Yvonne? If not Yvonne?  I spoke to Maricela as I was driving aimlessly around the soaked drenched city.  She was great. She just listened to me as I vented. And when I was finished, she told me that I needed to worry about myself and no one else.  Simple, but true.  I felt better after getting everything out of my system.  Thanks Agent LL.  Yeah, another nickname for the other musketeer! Let me explain, you know how I call Michelle, CC for Coca-cola right? Because she's shaped like a coca cola bottle.  Well, Maricela is all legs! She's got the legs I've always dreamed of having. They go on and on for days and you can't help but notice because she's got this walk that only she can walk.  So, I christened her Agent Long Legs, hence, Agent LL.  Yeah I know, lame, and silly -who cares! We like it and that's all that matters. 

 I did not make it out to see Gustabo play on Friday night.  I had every intention of going but I worked very late on Friday.  I had a deadline that needed to be filed and of course, my boss waits to the last possible moment to start working on it.  I didn't leave the office until a little after 8:00 p.m. So, I met a friend for a quick dinner and called it a night.  Then on Saturday I had all kinds of things lined up to do and had plans for the evening, but again, family issues changed my plans.  Needless to say, I was really tempted to open up a bottle of wine tonight.  But I didn't. I was good. There's something about that promise I made to myself that keeps me going.  I don't want to disappoint myself by breaking it.  It's all I have control of right now. Does that make sense?

Oddly enough, I'm looking forward to going into the office tomorrow.  Work will consume my thoughts and leave little time for anything else. 

This weekend was a wash! (pun fully intended)

10 comments:

Cinderita said...

Awww...I'm sorry your weekend was not what you'd hoped it would be. Sending you some fuel to get your motor running again. We get our fill from the most unusual places sometimes and here in our own little blog universe, we'll give you back whatever fuel you need to keep going. xo

Mister King said...

stay positive!! 10% of life is what happens to us, 90% is how we deal with it. if you are happy, you will not let lifes challenges get you down. use it as an opportunity to find something that makes you feel good...

Belle said...

One day, when I was worrying about people, my daughter made a sign and put it on my fridge, "You are Not God!" And she was right. I cannot fix people, I cannot fix the world. All I can do is pray for that person and leave them with God.
At AA we learned the slogan, "Let go, and let God." It is the only way to peace of mind. I slip back sometimes, but then I remember and do that again.

Alessandra said...

I agree with the others, you can't fix people,specially if they don't want to be fixed. We all do things because we get something out of it, so maybe your relatives get something out of you trying to help them. I have to catch up on your sister's story, but it sounds like she keeps going back to this loser. She must be getting something out of it, even if it is being the victim.

Sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but you have to take care of you, because nobody else will.:)

Anonymous said...

Yvonne,

"You can't give from an empty cup." Take a break and take care.

Jennifer /PEN AND PROSPER

Average Girl said...

I have no words Yvonne, except I am sorry that you give and every one takes and no one gives back... Hugs to you my friend.

Sandra said...

Very good pun! It was actually "punny!"...ok, that was cheesy. Sorry, sometimes I can't help myself.
Cheer up and here's to a terrific week!

ISRAEL CARRASCO said...

You can't be worrying about the decisions of others. My sister keeps going back with a jerk but she's grown so I don't worry about things.

Yvonne said...

Rita - aww thank you so much! i can always count on my blog-universe friends to pep me up!

MK - good advice! thanks for dropping by and be sure and visit again!

Belle - i'm familiar with that phrase. i say it all the time. i'm trying to break myself of that mindset that keeps bringing me down.

Alessandra - Not rude at all. I appreciate your honesty. It's funny that you say "We all do things because we get something out of it" - Someone I used to know, would always tell me the same thing. I used to argue with him because I disagreed and said I wasn't like that. But I am. We all are. I've suddenly become my main concern and focus from now on. :)

Jennifer - Very wise words. Thank you for sharing with me!

AG - I love hugs! Thanks so much!

Sandra - muahahahaha! you kill me!!! it WILL be a terrific week!

Israel - Yeah I know. It's hard for me though because I've always been the "worrier" and the "caretaker". But I've had enough! Thanks for your words.

The Adorkable Ditz said...

I'm sorry about your weekend. I hope your week gets better.

http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com