Sunday, January 2, 2011

The past. The future. And me.

I've been doing a lot of contemplating the last few days. About everything. My life, the past, the future, the Astros' upcoming season. And what I concluded about myself, is that I really don't know how to be in a relationship. I've been searching and longing for one for so long but really, I've never had a "serious" commitment before. I find that very odd, don't you? I mean, ok I was a very late bloomer when it came to boyfriends and dating and that whole scene. Part of it had to do with the fact that I was molested at a very young age. That experience was a traumatic one for me and it scarred me. But for the longest time I never acknowledged that it even happened. I never told anyone. I just simply willed myself to forget about it. And I did. My life was filled with growing up and playing with dolls and being a kid. But I was never the same after that. I shyed away from boys. And when my parents decided I should go to an all girl Catholic school, I gladly agreed. But as the years passed, and I got older, graduated from high school and began college, I started wondering why I never dated. Or why men never asked me out. Little by little, the memory of the summer 1977 came back to me.
I was 11 years old. At first, the memory came to me in fragments and I didn't understand what they meant. Here I was an adult, trying to get through college and I had these "visions" just pop into my head. I sought therapy, and I slowly, began addressing what had really happened. Once I did that, eveything else in my life suddenly made sense. Why I was the way I was. But now, here I am again, and I'm wondering if the reason I've never really had what you call a "serious" relationship, is because I don't know how to have one. Does that make sense? This new year, I will make it a point to face this new found dilemma of mine. I very much would like to meet a man, fall in love, have a normal relationship. But before any of that can happen, I've got to be healthy, mind, body and soul. So one of my goals is to work on myself, learn to love and accept myself the way I am. Of course, that's not to say, that I will not date, or kiss or flirt or have one night stands anymore, if I feel like it(don't judge me, times are tough!) Besides, I need blog material to keep you entertained!

I'm very optimistic about what is to come for me this year and the Astros season, and would love for you to join me on this venture.

11 comments:

Mynx said...

I'm looking forward to it. Loving your positive attitude.

Belle said...

I know you can have a good relationship with a man, Yvonne. I was molested by my father until I was 11 and I have a wonderful relationship with my husband. The first years were hard, but we have learned how to accept and love each other just as we are.

I would think that you haven't been able to be close to men before because you hadn't yet dealt with the past. But you are dealing with it now. It is a huge step to just tell people what happened. Very hard to do.

I'm excited for you. I know you will come through this like a Pheonix rising from the ashes! Is that a bit much? No, I just know in my heart you will.

Shady Del Knight said...

I can't top what the others have written here. Belle's own touching story should prove to you that the past need not haunt you forever or hold you back from getting what you want. Everybody's personal history timeline is littered with dark spots. You can change personal history and lighten up those dark spots by acknowledging them, thanking them for the lessons learned and survival skills acquired, and make a pact with yourself that's it's okay to move on and leave them in the past. In the est training I learned that each and every one of us is "screwed up" as they put it. We all have baggage and unresolved issues. That doesn't mean we are unworthy of love or that we can't achieve a satisfying relationship.

There are many fish in the sea. The way to be successful in fishing is to identify the specific kind of fish that you want to catch, find the native waters where that type of fish dwells, bait your hook, cast your line, and be patient and selective when you get a bite.

Fickle Cattle said...

I love your positive attitude. I know you can get everything you want from your life, and I know you will be happy. :-)

http://ficklecattle.blogspot.com/

Robin said...

It sounds like you are asking all of the right questions. I do think we need to love ourselves before we can be loved. I also think we attract to us people that we are in harmony with, which is a good and bad thing. If we are at an emotionally healthy place, that is who we attract into our lives. If we aren't, well that is who we attract into our lives. So, you want to be in a good place so you draw someone good to you. You deserve a wonderful person to share your life with!

Yvonne said...

Mynx - thanks! I'm loving it too! :)

Belle - Thank you! And yes I remember reading that about you sometime ago. I remain hopeful and open to life's possibilities!

Shady - Yes you're right. I guess I am just tired of feeling like a 'misfit'. ;)

FC - Thanks for your encouragement, I appreciate it!

Robin - I totally agree! I think for years now I've been attracting a "certain" type of man because that is what I was emitting. But now more, enough is enough.

Jennifer Brown Banks said...

Yvonne,

Thanks for your courage and for sharing!

Yvonne said...

Jennifer - Thank YOU for dropping by! I appreciate your words.

ISRAEL CARRASCO said...

One small step towards recovery is a start. You already took that step by becoming aware of it.

Yvonne said...

Israel - Yep. And I'm looking forward, forward, forward! :)

Mister King said...

It takes big cahoonas to share something like that...Someone out there will love you the way you want them to. In the mean time it's best not to dwell on what could be and learn to accept and be happy with what is. God has a plan for everything.