the heart knows best -sometimes

sometimes it's best to just follow your heart
no questions asked
no guilt
because sometimes,
the end result is bliss
and it quiets the voices
telling you not to do it
heart is still broken
but healing
am smiling

Heart and Soul

You know what sucks about breaking up with not only your lover but also your best friend?  What sucks is that the very person you are crying your eyes out over, is the very person that you want to pick up the phone and call to talk it out with.  

It's messed up really.  But there it is.

It has been years, YEARS, since I have broken up with someone.  And let me tell you, it's still gut-wrenchingly painful.  -Is gut-wrenchingly even a word?  I'm too lazy to open a new window to find out.  

But I digress.

The thing is I had been thinking of doing it for a while now.  I just couldn't find the courage to do it and also, didn't want to do it.  I mean, I am in love with this man.  But for reasons known only to us, I had to let him go.  I don't even know where I found the backbone to finally do it.  But I did.  It was like trying to remove a Band-Aid from your skin and at first you're very careful in the way you start trying to peel it off, because let's be honest here, that crap hurts.  But then all of a sudden this wave of courage takes over and you just pull that sucker right off.  Pain be damned.  Well, that's kind of what happened to me last night.  I just yanked that Band-Aid right off.  Had I stayed the course of the careful nurse, I would have lost my nerve and I wouldn't be writing sappy poetry and annoying lovelorn posts.  But this is what I do.  Some people eat their pain away, some people drink their pain away.  Me?  I write sappy poetry or retrospective gibberish.  Oh who am I kidding?  A glass of wine or two  three may or may not have been consumed tonight.

No regrets though.  Not for this girl.  If given the chance to do it over again, I would jump at the chance and change nothing.  A love that real and so beautiful, is worth all the other bullshit that comes with it.

Going in to work today was tough.  I had cried most of the night and my eyes, no matter how much make-up I packed on, were still red and puffy.  I chalked it up to bad allergies. Which in reality, is not far from the truth.  The pollen count here is out this world right now.  I avoided eye contact at all costs and just kind of hid in my office for eight hours.  Tomorrow hopefully, will be a little better.  Or a lot worse.  Not good odds there at all.

Oh my gawd.  I feel like a lovelorn teenager. Truly, I'm kind of embarrassed about it.  But it can't be helped.  I'm heartbroken and I write when I am dying inside.  

One of my closest friends recommended I put used teabags over my eyes to reduce the swelling.  First I said, "Ewe!" and then I said, "We're out of effing teabags."

If you're still reading this, thank you.  If you gave up, I understand and no hard feelings.

I think I've written enough for tonight.  Six a.m. comes awfully quick.

Until next time lovelies.

-peace

free

i can't breathe

the tears won't stop 

my mind is reeling

and my heart is broken

it was the best time of my life

and now

it is my worst

and even though i had to let you go

i regret nothing

i will love again

this i know.

but for now,

sadness cradles me.