to love someone

to love someone

the mere thought of you
makes me smile all over
until today
now my heart just aches

i close my eyes and see your face
the sound of your voice, your laughter
rings in my ear and plays out in my mind
over and over

when we are together i never want to leave
and when we are apart
i feel a part of me is missing

i love you in the most honest
and innocent way possible
i always will

when you think of me
as i know you will
i hope your heart smiles too
eventually

love hurts

the fact of the matter is
i fell in love
the cruel reality?
he's not for me

letting go of someone
is hard
no doubt

letting someone go
because loving them
causes more pain
than not loving them,
is painful in a way
that is indescribable

and mere words
are not enough
to make you understand

tears flowing
my insides feel
ripped open
i  can't breathe
my heart hurts

November -Where did the time go?

Sunday evening, a beautiful sunset is taking place and I'm doing what I love -writing.  I've been away for a while, not for any particular reason other than I have had no interest whatsoever in writing.  At all.  Which is sad really, because I love to write.  This blog is my escape and my sanity in troubled times, in happy times and in times in between all of that.  But for reasons that escape me, I suddenly woke up and did not feel like forming a sentence or plotting a story or anything.  I just didn't want to feel any type of emotion.  Weird isn't?  I know, I know.  I think what triggered it were changes in my life, not all of them good.  Well, truth be told, none of them good.  And then there was the horrible car accident I had in September.  That's when I totally lost it.  Literally.  I became depressed and I was in pain from my injuries, my work suffered and I saw myself falling into that black hole I've spoken about many times before, in this blog.  The ugly "monster" aka depression, was peering it's ugly head at me again and this time, I almost succumbed to it.  Almost.  I didn't let it win, I refused to be taken down that hole again, I scratched and clawed my way out.  But let me tell you, it was hard.  Harder than the last time even.  Many times, I just gave up.  I felt my spirit dying.  But then, deep inside of me I saw a flicker of light, of hope.   It reminded me that this was not the way I wanted to go, that this "monster" was not bigger than me and that I would beat it again.  And I did.  It's been a long and exhausting two months for sure.  But I'm getting better every day.  I'm much stronger than I was and feel confident that I'm going to be just fine.  Depression is a bitch, no lie.  But with the help of my family and my friends and my faith, I am coming around again.  My skeptic acquaintances that know about my current struggle, question the validity of my "condition" -as they put it.  "But you're out all the time"  or "But you're smiling  and laughing all the time, how can you be depressed?"  It's true, I'm not denying that.  Just as there are functioning alcoholics, there are also functioning depressed people in this world.  A lot of them.  So don't be so quick to judge and make assumptions because you have no idea what I go through every day, just to get out of bed and try and be "normal" for the masses and myself.  I've had episodes in the past where I would not leave my house for months or refused to be anywhere alone for fear I would die and no one would find me.  Those  were the most difficult times for me, but I got through them.  This time, I 'm much older and I'm not sure if age plays a factor in this or not, but this time it was 100 times worse for me to pull through.  But I am, pulling  through every day.  I finally feel like myself again.  And my craving for writing has returned.  Which to me, is pure happiness.  It really is.  I've missed reading and commenting on everyone's blogs also.

Well that's it in a nutshell, in case you were wondering about me.  But enough of that.

Moving on.

I turned 48 in October. heh.  I know, I can't believe it.  I'm almost 50 and it's driving me insane -literally. heh.  It's all good though, I still don't feel "48" and that's all that matters.  Halloween came and went and though I didn't dress up this year (first time in almost ten years), I did manage to go to at least one party and take part in scaring kids as they came up to ask for candy.  And now, Thanksgiving is a couple of weeks away and wow, just like that the year is about over.  Incredible isn't it? As I  get older, the years just pass by faster and faster...

So tell me bloggies, what has been happening in your corner of the world?

It's Sunday kids, do me a favor, go out and laugh and enjoy the week.

Peace.